Since Halo 3, Call of Duty has hit the scene with MW, World at War, and MW2 which caused my Spartan killing ventures to all but vanish. It wasn’t Halo’s fault. It was a great game, but something about the new direction of the CoD franchise hooked me and Halo 3 became that game I didn’t dare trade in but yet never saw the inside of my 360. That is about to change. This fall will mark the comeback of Halo.

As I fired up the MP Beta I didn’t really know what it was I was going to get. How many maps? Weapons? Game Modes? One thing I did expect from the beta was huge problems with servers as waves upon waves of crazy Halo peeps hit their boxes. So when very few issues hampered the experience I was both surprised and pleased. Of course there were reports of some failures to connect and extended wait periods but to me (who never experienced the problem), a small problem with a beta launch is no problem. As far as the other questions, I think this is a very beefy experience.

The one spot where variety may wear thin is the map selection. While the maps that are provided are good and I enjoy playing them, they get old. On the other hand of course, when the actual game does come out, I will be a pro at those particular maps. On a side note, I really like Powerhouse. It resembles a couple of maps from Halo 3 smashed together. There is a nice arsenal provided for your shooting pleasure, including the new needle rifle, accompanied with a couple grenade options (nothing new).

Where this game will shine in my opinion is in its game modes. This is by far my favorite part of the beta. In most games I tend to stick with deathmatch and team deathmatch modes and figured that is what I would do here. I was very very wrong. When you are about to start a match, the room will vote on what type of game will be played, which in case anyone cares, I really like. Game modes where you try and hold the skull for as long as you can, collect as many flags as you can, standard capture the flag, and trying to survive an attack as a super Spartan are included. Along with several more fun and interesting modes, my favorite deathmatch options are also present. All of these options in modes, the lack of maps doesn’t seem like such an issue.

With all the favorites making a return, what was Bungie going to add to make things feel fresh? The biggest addition I would say is the armor abilities. Before each match you pick a load out that has your weapon and armor type. Speed burst, jet pack, shield recharge, and the ability to become invisible individually accompany each load out. I was worried some of these would throw of the balance a bit but again, like before, I was wrong. In my couple days with the game I’ve concluded that speed burst is useless while the jet pack freaking rocks! The stat tracking and upgrading systems seem to appear larger than they really are but I’ll hold off on that judgment until the official game launch. Assassinations on unsuspecting customers are pretty satisfying but in its early stages look a bit rough.

Overall I give the beta two thumbs way up. I can’t wait to get into the real game and leave my mark on all of the sweet game types. While it is a beta, you can tell that this version of Halo will be much more polished. I think the boys at Bungie are on the right track. Come on fall! It’s so far away! Well I’m off to play more Reach MP, or as I like to call it….time travel. You should be doing the same; I’ll be the one fragging the crap out of you!

It’s never going to happen.

I’ll never get what I want. What I need. What I long for.

I was lied to.

Almost 4 years ago now. Kazunori Yamauchi told me that by winter 2008 (summer 2009 at the absolute latest), I would be playing the next installment of the greatest driving game of all time: Gran Turismo 5.

Yet here we are: May, 2010. No GT5. The only thing we have is an extended-play demo and a time trial with horrible controls and a sh-t car.

Now I hear that the North American release date is being pushed back from third-quarter 2010 to fourth-quarter 2010. Because Yamauchi is adding 3D support.

I hate to use the phrase “game-changer” (and if you see me in public you can kick my genitals for doing so), but when the movie Avatar game out, it showed the world what true dedication and focus on 3D can do. That movie was a game-changer not only for cinema, but for every visual medium.

If Avatar showed us anything, it’s that you can dupe people into thinking your Pocahontas rip-off movie is Oscar-worthy if it heavy-handedly mirrors real-life debates over environmentalism. Unobtanium? Really, you called it that? What were you doing, James? Were you trying to win the Obvious Award? Sorry…I got a little sidetracked. Avatar showed that 3D only works if the intent to have a finished product in 3D was present all along. This is not the case for GT5.

GT5 was started in the middle of the previous decade with the intent to make the most realistic racing sim of all time. The problem is: technology advances quickly, and we can do things in games today that we couldn’t back in the early-to-mid 2000s. The ability to render a game in 3D didn’t exist at the start of development and production, so plans were never made to include 3D. Now that the technology does exist, Sony is trying to add it in at the last minute. I’m worried that a last-minute 3D cram will result in less Avatar-quality 3D, and more Clash Of The Titans lens-flare style effects.

Sony doesn’t seem to understand with GT5, the second you release it, there is someone out there developing the Next Best Thing. Yamauchi’s response to this quagmire seems to be to never release GT5. That way, no one can make a better game. Right? It’s like one of those tree-falling-in-a-forest things. If Gran Turismo 5 is never released, can anyone ever make a better version of it?

My answer: yes. Right now, Burnout: Paradise is the best racing game for PS3. Forza Motorsports is the best for X-Box (and best, period). Those games are all better than GT5, because I can’t do anything on GT5.

You can talk about 3D effects. 1000+ cars. Mechanical and external damage modeling. All of this means absolutely nothing if I can’t even play the f-ker.

I just want my game. That’s all. But I’m realizing this is all a cruel joke. Gran Turismo 5 is never coming out. Sony is just going to release another time trial, with a slightly better car. An expansion to Prologue, maybe. But 5 is never coming.

…but if it does, look out: I won’t be able to turn any tight corners, if you know what I mean. I’ll be releasing my Kraken all over your Eywa. Or something like that.

The time has come. I know I will get a lot of flack for this but it needs to be out there and maybe I can enlighten you and you can, in turn, enlighten me a bit as well. I decided to stick with a list format but will use bullets as I do not want to waste any of my time reviewing this stupid game. Please keep in mind also I really do love Russian history.

And here we go… The reasons for my hatred:

- The whole Rupee currency system – you can’t actually buy anything that’s worth buying in this whole game. There are plenty of hearts, arrows, and bombs I can get by busting a barrel over a wall. For all that these people offer they don’t have many jars to store stuff in. It is like going to Aldi except I can’t purchase any bags.

- I can only carry 300 rupees in my wallet. I can’t purchase another wallet? Really?

- Fishing. The only thing fishing has ever done for me was getting the stupid cat into his home. I hate games with a random chance of catching a fish, causing you to do it again and again and again (It does work however for games like Animal Crossing because you get achievements and the like).

- Where is Gannon? The NES taught me Gannon is Link’s nemesis, but he is nowhere to be seen, instead you have stupid Midna who pretends she (I say she because I believe this to be true) thinks she knows everything and is a douche.

- Midna. If I were Link, I would have tore this chick to shreds. You are going to have me run your errands all around Hyrule but you’re not going to tell me why exactly I just turned into a dog? I want answers Midna… this isn’t Lost.

- If you are going to wield a sword you should be able to jump. Jumping is essential in sword fighting.

- Herding goats. I spent way too long using the bad controls of the horse to herd goats, just because Link herds them in his off time does not mean I should be doing that. That is why McDonald’s does not have a game.

- I only played this game because of all the hype. I bought it and I intended to beat it. Now, I am in some cave and I did not find the stupid key and cannot get to it now because of some stupid glitch in the game. I checked every nook and cranny and I cannot get through to the boss because the key was locked away.

There, now you know the reasons behind my disdain for the little man in green.

After posting the “8 Simple steps for making a perfect video game” a Mr. KzooKiller suggested I write the 8 things that make a video game suck. Honestly, I kind of laughed at the idea because obviously the opposite of “great” is “suck” so just take all my things from the first list and do the opposite. There is a high probability that game will suck by doing the opposite of those 8 great things, but there are bigger and better things that can also be done (or not done) to make a game bad. Drum-roll please.

8.) Bad controls – just because your controller can be spun around to register a command does not mean it is a good idea. We want to feel like we are in the game but it is mildly distracting if every time you want to open a treasure chest you have to jump up and down with your controller.

7.) Play to earn accessories and clothing – You know what I mean. Those games that you earn currency and can only spend it to buy your character a gay hat.

6.) Scavenger hunts with no map – For example: Grand Theft Auto hides little trinkets/pigeons all around and there is no way to know which you have gotten and which are left but you’ve got to catch them all.

5.) Speaking of “catching them all”, Pokemon. I love Pokemon, I mean I love it but the one thing that irks me is they claim you “Gotta catch ‘em all” but you can’t do it unless you have two systems and two of the same identical game. It is good marketing for them but my gosh let me catch all of them in Pokemon Blue.

4.) Mini-games – If they were really that great they would not be so small.

3.) Limited catch phrases (if they are bad catch phrases) – An example of sucky catch phrases is Call of Duty: World at War when the dogs are unleashed. The ultimate example of a cool catch phrase, probably the best catch phrase of all time “Do a barrel roll”. I could hear that all day and still enjoy good ole Peppy.

2.) Having to sit through the credits to save the game – I appreciate your dedication and hard work but let me skip out of that. I do not care who held the microphone for Solid Snake. I use your credits as a well deserved potty break.

And finally, the number one thing that makes a game suck…

1.) Make your main character wear a green elf costume and be a fruity little elf and naming him after a verb. Guns were invented because swords, bow and arrows, and horses all suck.

A few months ago a little game from EA called Dante’s Inferno hit our store shelves. I had been looking forward to this game for months because this genre appeals to me. Hack & Slash has always had a place in my heart right next to redheads and grape flavored anything. Anyone who has played the game can see the glaring similarities with a little franchise called God of War with button scheme, puzzles and over the top violence. This was never hidden from us with pretty much every review written pointing this fact out. Being as I consider God of War games to be some of the best games ever made it didn’t bother me because it appeared to be a different location, an interesting main character along with a weapon ripped right from the body of Death (might not be Krato’s death dealing blades but still pretty awesome). So I picked it up to hold me over until God of War III was released and it did just that.

Now that March 16th has come and gone and I have been spending my nights with GoW III, I am truly amazed that EA got away with what they did. First off, let me say, God of War III is head and shoulders above what Dante’s Inferno offered. Just the sheer scope of this game is something that has never been done before. Like the ones that came before it, it is just a jaw dropping experience time and time again.

Here is the problem and please realize while they aren’t complete spoilers, I will say some things along the spoiler trail. Like I mentioned above, going into these games I knew EA was borrowing the style of play in several different areas. Also mentioned above, I was fine with that. God of War pretty much launched a genre in itself and like remakes of old movies; we knew it wouldn’t take long for others to attempt the same success. It’s when I got into God of War III that I started to get a little annoyed with how similar these games really are.

One major stand out for me in Dante’s Inferno was the environment. I thought it was fantastic to run around Hell and it looked so pretty! Well in a dark, twisted, going to burn for eternity kind of way. Well guess where Krato’s goes during his journey? Yep, you guessed it, Hades……strike one Dante. Okay, everyone is aloud a mistake here and there so let us move on. Both of these games offer some epic boss battles that will have your thumbs close to just saying “screw it, I quit!” It only took me to the first boss battle in GoW III against Poseidon to see the next step in EA’s thievery. Not only does Poseidon’s water form resemble the big woman with multitasking nipples, but the technique in defeating them also seems to be similar. The mother of the creepiest babies in history needed her hands knocked off the platform in order to attack while the God of the Sea needed his crab like hands knocked off the platform to be taken down……..strike two. This is insane! I’m beginning to believe that EA sent moles into the storyboard meeting and just started jotting down ideas.

Our observant readers probably have noticed that there isn’t a third strike. That is because if you throw a third strike at something it means that you’re out. That’s not the case here. Dante’s Inferno was a good game and provided us with some filler while we waited for God of War III and filled it quite well. It could also seem that I am jumping to conclusions that EA ripped the ideas from GoW and not the other way around, but come on, we were already two games deep into God of War. You make the call for yourself. If you own both systems then I suggest both titles be given a shot because they are truly a fun ride. I’ll guarantee you’ll be scratching your head at the same points I did. If you have time for only one, no question, God of War III!

I have played hundreds of games over the years and I think I finally have the solution and recipe for the perfect successful game.  I do have a bias towards Nintendo because I find that the other consoles cater now only to the online multi-player games which are fun, but let’s face it they are just about all the same. So without further a due here is my 8 Simple steps for making a perfect video game.

1.)    A princess needs to be saved.  It is the ultimate theory in life.  What will a man go through to be with a woman?  They need to go through the thickets to even have that chance.  It cannot be the other way around by the way.  That may sound sexist but women don’t play video games.  They just don’t.

2.)    Lava – Nothing says danger like hot lava.  When I was a child I used to play the “floor is hot lava” game, meaning you couldn’t touch the floor.  It was a 90’s version of Parkour to get across the room quickly without touching the floor and to keep moving. Lava is important.

3.)    The ability to jump if your character is supposed to.  I say this with a strong hatred for Zelda… but more on that another time.  If your main character is a person – you jump, if your character is a frog – you jump, and if your main character is a space ship, you do not jump – you barrel roll.  The main character has to be able to jump.  It defies logic to not be able to jump.  Frogger jumped, Mario jumped, Pac-Man did not jump but at the same time I like to think Pac-Man and the Mrs. were in a confined space.

4.)    Money/Points – a currency system needs to be developed to purchase upgrades, free-guys, etc.

5.)    NO BONUS MOVIES – nobody watches them.  They suck.

6.)    Limited dialogue – nothing drives me crazier than playing a game where I am reading more than I am playing.  If I wanted to read a book I would probably not be as cool as I am now.

7.)    Save Now feature – If the game is a game that is to be completed in more than 1 sitting.  Let me save it on my own terms.  I want to play on my lunch breaks and if I have to save it when you tell me I ‘hit a save point’ it is a turn-off.

8.)    Underwater Level – this is the most important step of all.  This step defies logic but every successful game for some unknown reason needs to have the main character not only know how to swim but also have the lung capacity of David Blaine.

All of these steps are on the list because they are easy.  They are the norms that we all grew up with.  Just like Indiana Jones was always against the Nazis, it is so easy to do a story with the Nazi’s because they are associated with being bad.  Pay attention when you watch Indiana Jones next time and try to see why exactly the Nazis hate Indiana Jones.  They don’t really, there is no reason besides they are just the ultimate bad guy.  Put these elements into a game and I will sit down, and odds are, rate it with a grade in the 90’s.  Think about the successful series that follow most of these rules… some off the top of my head:

Super Mario Bros, Donkey Kong Country, Frogger, Starfox, Mega Man…

Just don’t say Zelda because it sucks.

It turns out that Kratos is a Slurpee fan and his flavor of choice is a mix of blackberry and lime… really? Blackberry and lime? We’ll get to the choice of flavor later, let’s first take a look at the color selection. Pop quiz hot shot…

A) What color is Kratos’ war paint?
B) What is the color of blood?
C) What is the color of anger?

The answer to all of those questions is red so it would only make sense that the Slurpee be red. Oh wait, what’s that? It’s not red? Oh… it’s a turquoise/purple mix? Strike one.

I walked into my local Seven Eleven tonight with the intention of purchasing my typical cherry/coke mix but was excited to see the big bad-ass Kratos staring at me in the face. His piercing eyes commanding me to try his delicious frozen drink. I could hear him screaming “I WILL CAUSE YOU BRAINFREEZE MORTAL!”

I chose the largest sized cup, popped on a lid and pulled down Kratos’ handle until it was full to the top. After bypassing the hot dogs and Taquitos and paying the nice young lady behind the counter I took a sip of my super sized Slurpee. What should have tasted like rage and power and Greek goddesses instead tasted like a mix of Boone’s Farm and fruit salad.

Now don’t get me wrong, it is refreshing. It’s cold and it get’s the job done but who at Seven Eleven headquarters in Dallas thought that blackberry lime was the flavor of the Gods? I don’t even know for sure what I wanted it to taste like and I did read the sign but I just didn’t expect what I got. It’s too happy of a drink in my opinion. When I go to the bar I don’t order a foo-foo drink with an umbrella in it… I get a beer or something with whiskey in it. So when I go to get my Slurpee it makes sense that when I pour myself a frozen cup of something named after one of the most kick ass characters in the history of gaming I would like something that doesn’t taste like it was made from the pureed parts of a My Little Pony.

Anyhow, give it a try if you are feeling a little fruity. I won’t judge you. I just polished mine off with the satisfying straw sound that one makes when finishing a Slurpee off so it couldn’t have been that bad. I just wanted more. I wanted to taste victory, I wanted to taste the Gods. If I were Kratos I would be mad…er.

Kratos Fury Slurpee from Seven Eleven gets a 68 out of 100.

If you were the spawn of Professor X or even Matt Parkman from Heroes and had the ability to be inside of my head back in 2001, you would have seen my loyalty change right in front of your eyes. I was blown away by the original XBOX. Internal hard drive, better controller, oodles of games, and custom music had me running to the store as soon as I could. Then you have Halo, arguably the turning point in FPS shooters (easy Golden Eye fans.) What about Fable? What would I have done had I of missed that train? True, that particular game didn’t live up to the hype but come on, I think we all know that Peter Molyneux likes shooting sunshine up peoples butts. Anyway, my point here is that Nov 15th, 2001 took me from a Sony man right over to Microsoft.

In late 2005 Microsoft kicked off the next generation of gaming with the release of the 360 and my Microsoft following continued down its path without even thinking about the PS3 and that it wasn’t far off itself. I was happy with my Fable 2 and Halo 3 and I didn’t see any reason for changing. They improved and already great controller into something almost perfect, the Live service had grown leaps and bounds, custom music made a return; it was all there except one thing, the hard drive. Having to buy a separate HDD unit really bummed me out but didn’t knock me off the wagon. I’ve had an Xbox since their creation and I can honestly say that I have been a happy customer (never mind the whole RROD issue.)

Alright, with that said I’m sure most of you reading this right now are saying “What’s your stinking point?” Well folks! My point is that I am now the proud owner of a Playstation 3 and I wonder why it took me so long! I honestly kicked this purchase around for a couple of months and what really got me on the idea was that I was looking for a Blu-Ray player. Then came Infamous, Killzone 2, and then the mother of them all, Uncharted 2. Borderlands is possibly my favorite game of all time and Uncharted 2 stopped, smiled and then proceeded to step right over it on its way to multiple Game of the Year awards.

So there I am a day or so after Christmas with my toothbrush and socks from grandma, crock-pot from, uh… someone and my favorite of them all, the Best Buy gift cards! I’d like to say that it took careful consideration with what I was going to do with my money but then I’d be lying to you. So I did it, as soon as the store opened up I was in the huge line with a PS3, Infamous and Uncharted 2 (Killzone 2 was a day behind those.) I was like a chubby kid with a Snickers bar, couldn’t wait to tear that thing open.

Here I am two weeks after the purchase and the verdict is… very happy! The three games that I purchased are fantastic and it truly would have been a shame for me to have missed out on them. In all honesty Uncharted 2 could have changed my mind by itself. When I finally decided to try Infamous I didn’t even really care how it would turn out. To my surprise I enjoyed that one almost as much. Although I am very pleased I do have to say, the controller is still broken. I’m a bit shocked that in all of this time since the PS2 that Sony did not think a re-design was in order. The analog sticks feel like something from the Stone Age and I’d prefer the Nintendo 64 analog stick if that tells you anything. The only other complaint I have would be in the dashboard set up. Doesn’t seem organized for optimal use and really looks dated. Good news is that Sony seems to release a new firmware update every other week so maybe they will get it right. Both of these issues don’t change the fact that this is great system.

This closing paragraph is really for those of you who are anti-PS3. If you are already a PS3 owner and love it, go back to Uncharted 2 and let me have a chat with these XBOX only people. Waiting…

Okay let me put it this way. If you are one of those gamers that forums like to refer to as a “fan boy” then it is time to open your mind. If you’re like me, a gamer, then you do it because you love it. The name on the system should have no bearing on it what so ever. I was one of those closed minded people but have come to realize that both these systems have their own perks. I realize that money doesn’t grow on trees and it isn’t exactly cheap these days to be a nerd, oops, I mean gamer. Just don’t limit your experience because you’re too stubborn to buy one or the other. Plus, God of War III, hello! For those PS3 people who stayed for this last paragraph, wouldn’t hurt for you to go grab a 360 yourself!

During that time I started seeing advertisements for a new game called Dragon Age: Origins for the XBOX 360. I had read little things here and there but never gave it much attention. The commercials did a good job of making me interested though, I am a sucker for a good plot line and this game seemed to have one. The same friend that sent me the 10 day trial for WoW said “Are you stupid? You don’t like RPGs, please don’t waste you money.” He was right in saying so, I had just ignored seven of the last ten days of the free trial of WoW, I had tried Mass Effect, Fable II and Oblivion and all attempts ended quickly with me saying “Blech.”

I knew in my heart that this genre of games was not for me… but still Dragon Age: Origins called to me. Those who know me know that I have no will power and that I buy a lot of new games before I even think twice… and on the release date of Dragon Age, it happened again. I was at Game Stop before the nice employee even had a chance to pull the gate away from the door.

I pretended I knew a lot about the genre to impress Game Stop Guy, handed over the cash and rushed home to play. The commercials hadn’t lied, Dragon Age began with an excellent intro into what would become an amazing story. I admit that during the first few minutes of walking around the castle and having excessively long conversations with people I got that “I wonder how much trade in credit I will get for this game” feeling but I rode it out… and after 30+ hours of game play time I am happy I did.

As I mentioned earlier, I am a fan of a good story and this game has it. Becoming a Grey Warden was challenging and interesting and emotional all at the same time and it has just gotten better from there. The characters for the most part are interesting. Some are annoying, some are sexy, some are cold and rude and some are even funny. It is always fun picking who will come on the next adventure with me. Despite knowing that I will of course take the two girls with me because I am trying to make them fall in love with me, it is still exciting to pick the third party member.

I don’t want to take the easy way out and say that I am not sure what it is that draws me to this game, but I am not 100% sure I know. I do know that Bioware has their stuff together. They have been able to master the art of creating an interesting story (between Mass Effect and Dragon Age: Origins) and for that I applaud them. I am sure real RPG fans will think this article is silly, I am well aware that I haven’t even scratched the surface of the genre. I also know that I play with a controller and that puts me a level below RPG guy. Most importantly, to me at least though, is that Dragon Age: Origins has opened my mind to something I thought was a complete waste of time just a few short months ago.

I since have bought and enjoyed Mass Effect and Borderlands (a crossover I know) as well as purchased a six month subscription for World of Warcraft – and I owe it all to Dragon Age. My intent of this article was not to be a shill for EA and Bioware, the game won’t save your life if you are drowning or hug you at night when you are scared… it’s just a game. No, my intent was to say don’t ever shut out something if you haven’t given it a real chance. You could be missing out on something very cool, video games or otherwise. And you know that is good advice because it is coming from a Level 10 Druid.

Talk to you soon. I am off to make sweet love to Morrigan… again.

So where do we go from here? These are my hopes for 2010.

Gran Turismo 5 has been teasing me more than Candi at the Hustler Club. I bought GT5: Prologue way back in what seems like 1999. Month after month, and now year after year, I was told the release of the full version of the game was just around the corner. Now, it is rumored that Sony will be releasing GT5 to the North American market in the summer. All I can say is; there better be a car that brings John Lennon and George Harrison back to life so that they can reunite with Paul and Ringo for another Beatles’ album. Anything short of that will be an epic shortcoming by everyone involved in this project. There is simply no way that GT5 can live up to the expectation built by the numerous push-backs and additional development time. I say this having recently downloaded the Time Trial Challenge. I found the visuals to be spectacular, the controls a little funky (using the PS3 controller instead of a full wheel/pedal/shifter assembly is not recommended), and some of the physics a touch off. If this is what the actual game play is like, I will be severely disappointed at minimum, and bloodthirstily enraged most likely.

February will see the release of BioShock 2. I wouldn’t say I’m excited for it, but I can’t stand up at work right now, for fear of a lengthy meeting with HR. I was late to the party playing the original (summer ’09 late), but I loved it. And now, you play as a Big Daddy. That’s awesome, but I hope they improve on the field-of-view issue from the first BioShock. I’m a little hesitant about the game however. The story in the original was so compelling, the twists were so well executed (A man chooses!), that I’m worried an attempt at a sequel will be less like Die Hard 2 and more like Ghostbusters 2. But I will definitely be picking this one up on release day.

Red Dead Redemption (Q2 release) is looking good to me for two reasons. One, I loved Red Dead Revolver, and if RDR2 is anywhere near as good, I’ll be very happy. Two, I’m looking for a new Western-themed game to wash the awful taste of Call of Juarez 2 out of my mouth.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who is a little hesitant for Max Payne 3. The first MP was magnificent, the second very good. But after watching that filmed monstrosity that was the Max Payne movie, and now that the series creator and original developer are off the project, I don’t expect good things to come from MP3.

All I can really hope for is that 2010 gives me what I really want from a video game. That EA Sports has the guts and sense of humor to go with the title “PGA Tour ’11: Layin’ Wood With Tiger”*. Happy New Year, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England.

*Note: If anyone from EA Sports is reading this, and you actually use my idea, I expect to be handsomely compensated for my creativity.