A thirsty man’s look at the new God of War Slurpee

I can’t count the times I have wondered what Kratos used to refresh himself with after battling demons with his twin blades of death. Water? The sweat of scantily clad women?

It turns out that Kratos is a Slurpee fan and his flavor of choice is a mix of blackberry and lime… really? Blackberry and lime? We’ll get to the choice of flavor later, let’s first take a look at the color selection. Pop quiz hot shot…

A) What color is Kratos’ war paint?
B) What is the color of blood?
C) What is the color of anger?

The answer to all of those questions is red so it would only make sense that the Slurpee be red. Oh wait, what’s that? It’s not red? Oh… it’s a turquoise/purple mix? Strike one.

I walked into my local Seven Eleven tonight with the intention of purchasing my typical cherry/coke mix but was excited to see the big bad-ass Kratos staring at me in the face. His piercing eyes commanding me to try his delicious frozen drink. I could hear him screaming “I WILL CAUSE YOU BRAINFREEZE MORTAL!”

I chose the largest sized cup, popped on a lid and pulled down Kratos’ handle until it was full to the top. After bypassing the hot dogs and Taquitos and paying the nice young lady behind the counter I took a sip of my super sized Slurpee. What should have tasted like rage and power and Greek goddesses instead tasted like a mix of Boone’s Farm and fruit salad.

Now don’t get me wrong, it is refreshing. It’s cold and it get’s the job done but who at Seven Eleven headquarters in Dallas thought that blackberry lime was the flavor of the Gods? I don’t even know for sure what I wanted it to taste like and I did read the sign but I just didn’t expect what I got. It’s too happy of a drink in my opinion. When I go to the bar I don’t order a foo-foo drink with an umbrella in it… I get a beer or something with whiskey in it. So when I go to get my Slurpee it makes sense that when I pour myself a frozen cup of something named after one of the most kick ass characters in the history of gaming I would like something that doesn’t taste like it was made from the pureed parts of a My Little Pony.

Anyhow, give it a try if you are feeling a little fruity. I won’t judge you. I just polished mine off with the satisfying straw sound that one makes when finishing a Slurpee off so it couldn’t have been that bad. I just wanted more. I wanted to taste victory, I wanted to taste the Gods. If I were Kratos I would be mad…er.

Kratos Fury Slurpee from Seven Eleven gets a 68 out of 100.